Create a Twitter Following
With no apologies whatsoever to Guy Kawasaki
There are implications beyond vanity to having a large Twitter fan base.
Yeah - Just think of all those woolly jumpers you can knit for Christmas presents with 24,739 followers on Twitter. Baa.
Late one night in a hotel, I discovered I hadn’t brought a MacBook power supply, and I was leaving early the next morning for a remote location. I posted a message to Twitter, and within 10 minutes, five people offered to bring me a power supply; one delivered it to me within an hour.
Late last night in a lonely hotel room, I discovered in these tense and difficult times, adult entertainment or even a perfectly decent film is no longer allowed after changes to the corporate Travel & Expenses Policy (section 38, subsection B, para 5) so I decide to check my email instead.
This illustrates the practical implications of a large following on Twitter. Here’s how to get it
Sshh ! This is actually a classic traffic generating Top 10 post that will be sucked up by the adoring masses on Twitter, FriendFeed and elsewhere. Only the most astute will notice that it only includes 9 points and I will retort ‘Yes - but that’s exactly the point !’
Follow the “smores,” or social media whores
You know who they are - Scoble and me. Me and Scoble and, err, that’s it.
Send @ messages to the smores
Yes. Please send me and Scoble a bland, irrelevant message. We won’t reply to it. Well, to be honest, we won’t even read it but hey, at least, you will feel better and you can tweet it.
Create an effective avatar.
No. On second thoughts, don’t. No-one cares what you look like. If you are stunning, people will think you are a spammer and/or some idiots will stalk you in real-life. If you are ugly, no-one will follow (or stalk) you and, no offence, but we certainly don’t want to see your ugly mug.
Follow everyone who follows you
Wise words. After all, if some spammer interested in selling you real-esate for $1, then you will obviously have a lot in common, won’t you ? Don’t bother researching what each new follower writes about and whether it’s interesting or compelling. Just follow them straight back. Like the woolly old sheep that you are. Baa.
Always link to interesting stories and pictures
That’s right. Even if they’ve been linked to 300 times already. Someone, somewhere in some distant galaxy won’t have seen that hilarious picture of a man on the top of WTC with a plane heading straight for him.
Establish yourself as a subject expert.
Top tip. Don’t even bother with the ‘establish’ bit. After all, it takes too long and ‘expert’ is a very subjective term. Just call yourself a ‘subject matter expert (self-annointed)’.
Incorporate pictures and other media.
Always carry a camera and microphone at all times. Record every single visit to the lavatory, ignite your farts and post the resulting pictures and audio soundbites. Better, film your wife giving birth and the bedroom antics that put her in this condition. Always guaranteed to drive high quality traffic. Honest.
Use the right tools.
Look - don’t bother writing any original content. Just procrastinate wondering which tools to use. Never write a review of the various tools and utilities you have evalauated or those you actually like or dislike. That would be far too useful.
Repeat your tweets.
Don’t just limit yourself to your best tweets. After all, all of your output is brilliant, isn’t it ? Otherwise, what would be the point. No - don’t limit yourself to your best material. Repeat every single Tweet, every 8 hours to ensure everyone in all four continents gets to see your endless stream of inane drivel. Come to think of it, 8 hours is slightly too infrequent. Why not write a bot to repeatedly post your tweets every 10 minutes ?
